What is ailing you?  Such an interesting phrase to be found in the Bible.  This question is raised in Genesis 21:17 to Hagar.  “What is ailing you” sounds like the Angel of the Lord does not know the answer.  After all, He is the one who spoke this to Hagar in the middle of her fear for Ishmael.  (Ishmael is her son.)  Could it be the angel of the Lord was asking a question of her faith?  Hagar was in such a place of fear and loss.  She was an obedient woman, a slave woman, bought by Abraham and Sarah to serve at their will.  Sarah had willed she be a surrogate mother and have a child fathered by Abraham to fulfill a promise made to them by God.  Hagar had obeyed her masters and found herself now in a desperate situation.  She and her son Ishmael were expelled from the master’s house and left to die in the wilderness.   Now the Angel of the lord was asking her what is ailing you?  Really? 

There seems to be another reason for the question.  In the next sentence he says, Fear not, God has heard and sees it all. (my interpretation).

God hears and sees it all in your life too.  The Psalmist said God bends down to hear.  He is bending down today to hear what you have to say and to ask, “What is ailing you?”  The creator of heaven and earth declares “Fear not.  I hear you.”  He is with you.  He is near you.  He is aware of the situation you are.  You can fear not and hold on to faith that he will redeem this situation you are in today.  You will be forever changed. 

Terry 

I rode in the car during the early morning hours on a trip Vidalia, not to pick sweet onions, as the city is known for, but to be with Terry during his eleventh heart cath. You have to be around the world of heart disease to get the language down to expressions such as heart cath, defib, afib, bypass, etc.  I can't explain them exactly, but I have a general knowledge because my husband, Terry, had a quadruple bypass in 2004.
In the car on this black morning, I tried to go back sleep. No such luck.  Terry was pale.  I asked him if I could drive but he said no.  I have learned no means no so I did not resist. But I somehow knew that he was sicker than what he eluded to.
Finally about twenty miles out he said, "Can you drive."
My heart skipped a beat for I know he always drives, no matter what.  We changed seats and I felt myself slip into such fear.  The kind of fear that turns positive thoughts and faith into a crumpled mass of what ifs.
It was during this time of year almost to the exact date that Terry's mother passed away from a heart attack.  His brother was driving her to the hospital but she just couldn't make it.  Shocked by the event the whole family has very little to say about it even after twenty two years.
All of the fear and dread of that night flooded my soul and I was reliving every moment of the ride to the hospital with his mother even though I wasn't on the original ride.
I do know what to do when fear grips me, so in my heart I began to sing.  It didn't seem to release my fear and I thought I would loose composure for sure until I heard Jesus say, "He's not going to die today."
Now I know what you must be thinking.  But I am not hearing voices in my head.  I head Jesus in my spirit.  I heard Him speak peace to my life in the midst of the fear. He soothed my pain in an instant.
Maybe you think this was a fluke and I was having a panic attack or anxiety about nothing.  The doctor said Terry had a blockage of the killing kind in the only artery that feeds his left side and right side of his heart.  (This sounds impossible, but it was the graphed artery from the bypass that goes around his heart from the left to the right.)
As I heard what the doctor said, I marveled at the compassion of God to intervene in my life and of course Terry's life.  Why would He speak those words to me?  I don't know.  I can't say, but I do know this I am forever changed...and so is Terry.

Success what does it look like?  As I have said before my skewed ideas about what success did not look like have gotten me in a quandary of confusion but I have begun to forma picture of true success in my mind  as I write this I am traveling from lake Mary Florida to Waycross ga. In the car with me is my husband of 26 years almost, my sister, and my niece.  We are returning home from my nieces ordination ceremony.
I was allowed to pray for her at the ceremony because I am her pastor.   In remarks before my prayer I told of how She had prayed for me when she was a child believing that Jesus could do something with me. She got her prayer answered  now I stood before her and prayed for her to be used mightily by God.
It occurred to me this is success.  Nobody is getting a big salary and neither one of us has been accepted in what my mother would have said was society but boy the feeling of accomplishment is huge in me.
Now don't get me wrong, I myself have not accomplished Joanie's ordination.   She did that. Why I didn't even make it to be a pastor alone because Joanie lead that through prayer.  But something so satisfying happened in me.
Surely I have not achieved moms definition of success nor have I accepted the success of my father, but oh how I feel this must be success on some level. And if it is I want more success.  
I think I am making a change in the direction of knowing what success is and receiving it with gratitude  I can be forever changed.
P.S.  Following the ordination, I was invited to spend the day with my oldest son and his family on Monday.  Being a grandmother has it's perks.
The day was filled with moments. There was the moment when John Harper changed vehicles from his maternal grandmother to ride in the vehicle with me because I have play dough at my house. There was the moment when Sadie allowed me to tickle her relentlessly for the first time.  She is two. There the moment when Callie leaned her head on my shoulder to get comfort because she had a headache.  There were moments on the dinosaur trail, riding the one ride I felt comfortable to ride, the moment with Randy (my 40 year old son) in the wading splash pool hiding from the intensity of the sun and the moments with Christy (my daughter in law) when I quipped at my simple mindedness. But the most precious of moments happened when we all both grandparents and family sat at the dinner table.  Randy asked John Harper age five, what was his favorite thing that happened all day.  After a few seconds of thoughtful consideration, John said, "my favorite was spending time with my family."
Does that spell success?  You bet it does.  I think I will continue on this discovery with you to find out all the areas of success that are available.  I will be forever changed by that moment.

Success what does it look like?  As I have said before my skewed ideas about what success did not look like have gotten me in a quandary of confusion but I have begun to forma picture of true success in my mind  as I write this I am traveling from lake Mary Florida to Waycross ga. In the car with me is my husband of 26 years almost, my sister, and my niece.  We are returning home from my nieces ordination ceremony.
I was allowed to pray for her at the ceremony because I am her pastor.   In remarks before my prayer I told of how She had prayed for me when she was a child believing that Jesus could do something with me. She got her prayer answered  now I stood before her and prayed for her to be used mightily by God.
It occurred to me this is success.  Nobody is getting a big salary and neither one of us has been accepted in what my mother would have said was society but boy the feeling of accomplishment is huge in me.
Now don't get me wrong, I myself have not accomplished Joanie's ordination.   She did that. Why I didn't even make it to be a pastor alone because Joanie lead that through prayer.  But something so satisfying happened in me.
Surely I have not achieved moms definition of success nor have I accepted the success of my father, but oh how I feel this must be success on some level. And if it is I want more success.  
I think I am making a change in the direction of knowing what success is and receiving it with gratitude  I can be forever changed.
P.S.  Following the ordination, I was invited to spend the day with my oldest son and his family on Monday.  Being a grandmother has it's perks.
The day was filled with moments. There was the moment when John Harper changed vehicles from his maternal grandmother to ride in the vehicle with me because I have play dough at my house. There was the moment when Sadie allowed me to tickle her relentlessly for the first time.  She is two. There the moment when Callie leaned her head on my shoulder to get comfort because she had a headache.  There were moments on the dinosaur trail, riding the one ride I felt comfortable to ride, the moment with Randy (my 40 year old son) in the wading splash pool hiding from the intensity of the sun and the moments with Christy (my daughter in law) when I quipped at my simple mindedness. But the most precious of moments happened when we all both grandparents and family sat at the dinner table.  Randy asked John Harper age five, what was his favorite thing that happened all day.  After a few seconds of thoughtful consideration, John said, "my favorite was spending time with my family."
Does that spell success?  You bet it does.  I think I will continue on this discovery with you to find out all the areas of success that are available.  I will be forever changed by that moment.

Week two What is Success?

Let's see if I can change my picture of success.  First I want to define success as normal for regular folks.  It is not to be elusive or unattainable.  Success looks like real people working hard and achieving goals. 
Success looks like enjoying life and making life happen.  By enjoying life I mean laughing with family and friends.  Being myself, which I am learning is quite zany and unpredictable. Being myself today is just a little hard, though, I must admit.  I am at this moment in my head trying to figure out exactly what I should be doing.  There is the confusion from childhood.  Maybe, I should define this confusion.
My father worked hard.  He owned his own mechanic shop and junkyard. He could master any craft with his hands. He could repair car bodies or build a house.  He had mental capabilities that sometimes I am amazed at when I think of him.  He had only a third grad education but that never stopped him.  He was smart, funny, and did I mention, he could play musical instruments.  I don't know what else I would want in an example of success except....I keep hearing in my head my mother's voice telling Daddy he should be involved with the socially accepted.  Daddy didn't feel the need for that.  Mama wanted nice clothes, daddy wanted food on the table. Mama wanted a nice house, daddy wanted a roof over our heads. Somehow in my youthful zest for life I stumbled over the truth about success. Or did I?
If I say life looks like enjoying others, well I would have to admit Daddy enjoyed life.  If I say success is making life happen, then I would have to say Daddy made life happen.  In fact he made life happen out of nothing. 
If I say success is working hard and achieving goals.  Well, Daddy did that too.  So what is my problem?  Fear of success or fear of people?
Boy this journey may be more difficult than expected, especially if I want to be forever changed.
Maybe I will pray:
Lord, I lay my agenda at your feet today.  I am struggling with what success looks like.  I believe sometimes it really means money, if I will be honest with you and myself.  I don't want success to look like riches.  I want success to be me.  I want to content in the life that you have given to me and follow the path you lead me on.  I want you.  Can that be success enough? ......

So what about change

Whoever said change was easy?  Nobody, that's right Nobody.  Change is hard.  But if there is no change there is no change.  Or as we say at Bethesda Recovery "if there ain't no change there ain't no change."
So much of the time we talk about making changes but don't follow through with the changed action. Or we start and stop; then we start and stop again. 
I am working on change these days.  I am hoping to change the way I see myself.  I want to see myself as successful.  But in order to do that I must change my mind about what success looks like.
I believe success is unattainable for me.  Isn't that insane.  I have a wonderful church, a thriving ministry, self published books, etc.  But somehow I have a mixed message that success is unattainable.
I am at this moment examining what my picture of success is.  Indulge me and perhaps I can hash this picture out and then I can change it.
When I was a girl my dad owned a business.  He worked hard, took care of the family and always seemed to have some money.  But mama said we were poor.  We didn't fit in the norm of successful people.  We didn't dress right, or talk right or act right.  My problem as a child was I didn't know how to correct what was wrong.
Therefore, everything my dad did was deemed unsuccessful to me.  I think I have a skewed picture of what success isn't.  I don't think I have a picture of success, only a picture of what success doesn't look like.  I have arrived at that picture. You know I own my own business, so to speak, I have a couple of dollars in my pocket.  How in the world can that be unsuccessful?  Oh, I belong to the family of misfits.  I belong to the family of people who don't dress right, aren't clean enough, aren't socially acceptable?
Just writing this out doesn't change a thing.  I realize I must take an action step to move from thinking and believing a lie about success.  But what can that be?
I believe I have a problem.  First stage of change.  I have identified that what the problem is.  I don't know what success is.  Now I will think about thinking about this problem and if the effort to change will be worth my time.  I want to be forever changed but am I willing to pay the price and do the work to change?  We will see as the next few weeks unfold.